Forgotten Disabilities

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

A Ventriloquist's Fun

A ventriloquist was driving in the country when he was attracted to a large farm.
He asked for and was given a tour.

As he was shown through the barn, the ventriloquist thought he'd havesome fun.

He proceeded to make one of the horses talk.

The hired hand, wide-eyed with fear, rushed from the barn to the farmer. "Sam!" he shouted,

"Those animals are talking! If that sheep says anything about me, it's a fucking damn lie!"

Bible Verses and its Applications

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members.

At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the preacher knocked several times.

Finally, the preacher took out his card, wrote out "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.____________ Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me. - Revelation 3:20

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate.

Below the preacher's message was written the following notation:____________ I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself. - Genesis 3:10"

Bridge Delivery

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.

A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead."

Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. 

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Ways Other People Address Their Sons

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.

The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him, Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, Your Grace."

The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"

So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"

Son Of A Donkey

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered.

A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.

Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him.

Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married?

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.

LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.

MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love".

LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing".

MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.

LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.

MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.

LUST - When you steal everything they own.

MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.

LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.

MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.

LUST - When all you write is your phone number.

MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.

LUST - When you couldn't give a shit.

MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.

LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.

MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.

LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.

MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.

LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.

MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.