A man walks into a New York bank, and says he's going to Europe for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
For collateral, he offers his new Rolls Royce.
The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground garage.
Two weeks later to the day, the man returns to the bank, repays the $5000 and interest of $15.41.
The loan officer says inquiringly, "Sir, we were delighted to have your business but, in checking your credit, we learned you are a multimillionaire.
Why ever did you need to borrow $5000? ""
""Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for $15.41? """
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Poop, Shut Up, Manners and Trouble
There were once four kids, Poop, Shut Up, Manners and Trouble.
Poop was riding his bike and fell.
Manners went to help him up.
Trouble got lost.
Shut Up goes to the Police Station to report it.
Officer: What's your name?
Shut Up: Shut Up.
Officer: What's your name?
Shut Up: Shut Up.
Officer: For the last time, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!
Shut Up: Shut Up!
Officer: Are you looking for Trouble?
Shut Up: Yeah, we lost him about 2 miles back.
Officer: Where's your Manners?
Shut Up: Back there pickin' up Poop.
Poop was riding his bike and fell.
Manners went to help him up.
Trouble got lost.
Shut Up goes to the Police Station to report it.
Officer: What's your name?
Shut Up: Shut Up.
Officer: What's your name?
Shut Up: Shut Up.
Officer: For the last time, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!
Shut Up: Shut Up!
Officer: Are you looking for Trouble?
Shut Up: Yeah, we lost him about 2 miles back.
Officer: Where's your Manners?
Shut Up: Back there pickin' up Poop.
Friday, May 28, 2010
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Trusting someone else to bring money to your coffin
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.
At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the
coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said,
"I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that. "
The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal cheque for the full $30,000!"
He called for the three men he trusted most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.
At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the
coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said,
"I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that. "
The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal cheque for the full $30,000!"
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Even a genie can't handle women
A man walking along a beach finds a lamp, picks it up, rubs it and this genie pops out.
The genie says, "For releasing me I shall grant you one wish! "
"The man thinks for a minute, and says, "
"I want you to build a bridge to Hawaii. I'm scared of flying and tend to get seasick. "
"The genie replies, "
"My good lad, do you realize how much it will take to do that?
First of all, it will cost millions just to hire the workers.
Not to mention all the materials it will take.
In addition, there would need to be countless rest stops and gas stations and it would interfere with shipping lanes.
I'm sorry, but it just can't be done. Please choose another wish! "
"The man thinks for a minute, and says, ""I want to be able to understand women. "
"The genie pauses for a moment and says -"
"So, this bridge you want...two lanes or four? """
The genie says, "For releasing me I shall grant you one wish! "
"The man thinks for a minute, and says, "
"I want you to build a bridge to Hawaii. I'm scared of flying and tend to get seasick. "
"The genie replies, "
"My good lad, do you realize how much it will take to do that?
First of all, it will cost millions just to hire the workers.
Not to mention all the materials it will take.
In addition, there would need to be countless rest stops and gas stations and it would interfere with shipping lanes.
I'm sorry, but it just can't be done. Please choose another wish! "
"The man thinks for a minute, and says, ""I want to be able to understand women. "
"The genie pauses for a moment and says -"
"So, this bridge you want...two lanes or four? """
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Guys, print all these and keep it as notes to study before getting into a relationship with women
The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want
The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want
The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious
The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later
The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to bitch
The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to
The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron
The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot
The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.
The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.
The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!
The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.
The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!
The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.
The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.
The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.
The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.
The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.
The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.
The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]
The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No
The wife says: No
The wife means: No
The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No
The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry
The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it
The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.
The wife says: Was that the baby crying?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him
The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am!
I think this is important!
In answer to the question "What's wrong? "
The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.
The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.
The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.
The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam and I am going to cheat on you.
The wife means: You want
The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want
The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious
The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later
The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to bitch
The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to
The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron
The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot
The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.
The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.
The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!
The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.
The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!
The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.
The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.
The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.
The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.
The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.
The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.
The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]
The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No
The wife says: No
The wife means: No
The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No
The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry
The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it
The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.
The wife says: Was that the baby crying?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him
The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am!
I think this is important!
In answer to the question "What's wrong? "
The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.
The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.
The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.
The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam and I am going to cheat on you.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Why is it still loving even when they call you a pig
Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid.
Nevertheless, he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them then following their leads.
He observed the couple next to him.
The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar? ""
Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.
Another table over Joe observed the following.
A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, ""Honey, honey? ""
Again Joe thought this was good stuff. Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said, ""Ham, pig? """
Nevertheless, he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them then following their leads.
He observed the couple next to him.
The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar? ""
Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.
Another table over Joe observed the following.
A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, ""Honey, honey? ""
Again Joe thought this was good stuff. Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said, ""Ham, pig? """
Monday, May 10, 2010
Worried mom and sarcastic doctor
Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
Hmmmm. Let's hope nothing develops.
Hmmmm. Let's hope nothing develops.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Ways to tell who you are making love to
Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit. "
A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right. "
An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally. "
A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit. "
A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right. "
An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally. "
Something's wrong when your child look neither like you nor your spouse
Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"What will you name the baby "?
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,"Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong!
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"What will you name the baby "?
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,"Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Sometimes, guys just are so ARGGHHHHH~!!!
Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that? "
"Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly know that girl! "
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that? "
"Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly know that girl! "
Nice try dude, nice try
One day a lady was driving on the Highway.
She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit.
However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind!
And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights.
She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding.
I'm not drinking.
I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything! "
So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car.
She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it.
A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her.
The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf.
The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck. "
She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit.
However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind!
And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights.
She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding.
I'm not drinking.
I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything! "
So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car.
She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it.
A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her.
The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf.
The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck. "
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