Friday, December 31, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
Mirror or 2-way Glass
Two-WAY GLASS
MIRROR
A Mirror or a 2-Way Glass?
How can you tell when you are in a room, restroom,
motel etc. with a mirror or a 2-way glass?
Here's how: I thought it was quite interesting! And I
know in about 30 seconds you're going to do what I did
and find the nearest mirror.
Do you know how to determine if a mirror is 2-way or
not? A policewoman who travels all over the US and
gives seminars and techniques for businesswomen passed
this on.
When we visit toilets, bathrooms, hotel rooms,
changing rooms, etc., how many of you know for sure
that the seemingly ordinary mirror hanging on the wall
is a real mirror, or actually a 2-way mirror (i.e.,
they can see you, but you can't see them)? There have
been many cases of people installing 2-way mirrors in
female changing rooms . It is very difficult to
positively identify the surface by looking at it.
So, how do we determine with any amount of certainty
what type of mirror we are looking at?
Just conduct this simple test: Place the tip of your
fingernail against the reflective surface and if there
is a GAP between your fingernail and the image of the
nail, then it is GENUINE mirror. However, if your
fingernail DIRECTLY TOUCHES the image of your nail,
then BEWARE! IT IS A 2-WAY MIRROR!
"No Space, Leave the Place" So remember, every time
you see a mirror, do the "fingernail test." It doesn't
cost you anything.
REMEMBER. No Space, Leave the Place
Ladies: Share this with your girlfriends, sisters,
daughters, etc.
Men: Share this with your wives, daughters,
daughters-in-law, mothers, girlfriends and/or friends
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Too Afraid to Cough
The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what's up.
"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains.
"So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."
"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.
"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall.
"Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what's up.
"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains.
"So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."
"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.
"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall.
"Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
Cheerio = Punishment?!
Mother calls up stairs, "You boys better get down here and eat your breakfast or you'll be late for school!"
As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says, "Today we're gonna learn to swear!"
The 4-year-old gives a fearful look.
The 5-year-old continues, "When we get to the table, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'!"
The 4-year-old agrees with reservation. They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them.
"Good morning boys! What would you like for breakfast?"
The 5-year-old leans back and cocks his head... "Hell Mom! I'll have Cheerios!"
He is promptly escorted to another room while the 4-year-old seated at the table grimaces upon hearing the wailing cries of big brother getting a serious licking.
Mother returns with sniffling 5-year-old.
She turns to 4-year-old and says compassionately, "Well now, what would you like for breakfast?"
The 4-year-old replies, "I don't know ma... But you can bet your ass it ain't Cheerios!"
As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says, "Today we're gonna learn to swear!"
The 4-year-old gives a fearful look.
The 5-year-old continues, "When we get to the table, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'!"
The 4-year-old agrees with reservation. They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them.
"Good morning boys! What would you like for breakfast?"
The 5-year-old leans back and cocks his head... "Hell Mom! I'll have Cheerios!"
He is promptly escorted to another room while the 4-year-old seated at the table grimaces upon hearing the wailing cries of big brother getting a serious licking.
Mother returns with sniffling 5-year-old.
She turns to 4-year-old and says compassionately, "Well now, what would you like for breakfast?"
The 4-year-old replies, "I don't know ma... But you can bet your ass it ain't Cheerios!"
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Excessive flatulence without sound and smell ;)
A woman consulted a doctor, explaining that for many years she suffered from excessive flatulence, but there was never any sound or smell so she had done nothing about it until now.
So the Dr. took down all of her medical history, a process that took quite a while.
At the end, the woman says, "You see, Dr Smith while I've been sitting here talking to you I've broken wind five times, but there's no sound and no smell."
At this point, the Dr. scribbled something on a pad, ripped off a sheet and handed it to the woman.
"What's this? " she asked, "some pills? "
"No ", replied Dr Smith, "that is a prescription for a hearing aid: come in next week, and we'll operate on your nose."
So the Dr. took down all of her medical history, a process that took quite a while.
At the end, the woman says, "You see, Dr Smith while I've been sitting here talking to you I've broken wind five times, but there's no sound and no smell."
At this point, the Dr. scribbled something on a pad, ripped off a sheet and handed it to the woman.
"What's this? " she asked, "some pills? "
"No ", replied Dr Smith, "that is a prescription for a hearing aid: come in next week, and we'll operate on your nose."
Friday, December 17, 2010
Extended version of the impromptu joke
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the supermarket.
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some idiot out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."
As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half ".
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Canada, sir". "Oh, really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Canada!!" The boy replied, "Really?? What team did she play for?"
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some idiot out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."
As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half ".
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Canada, sir". "Oh, really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Canada!!" The boy replied, "Really?? What team did she play for?"
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Now we know how accurate our "Modern" weather forecast intel is
The Indians asked their Chief in autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not.
Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a
VERY cold winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again:
"Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely " the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a
VERY cold winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again:
"Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely " the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
Monday, December 13, 2010
Leave her alone! She's MINE!
A Border Patrol agent is on duty.
He spots two Mexicans and stops them.
They show him their papers, but he thinks they are phony.
He tells them, "Okay, I have a test for you. I want you to use thewords liver and cheese in a sentence."
So, the first guy says, "I made a liver and cheese sandwich for lunch."
The agent says, "That was good, you can go. What about you? " he asks the second guy.
He says, "Liver alone, cheese mine. "
He spots two Mexicans and stops them.
They show him their papers, but he thinks they are phony.
He tells them, "Okay, I have a test for you. I want you to use thewords liver and cheese in a sentence."
So, the first guy says, "I made a liver and cheese sandwich for lunch."
The agent says, "That was good, you can go. What about you? " he asks the second guy.
He says, "Liver alone, cheese mine. "
She wants her photo back, but I don't know which one is her's
The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and
asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
Monday, December 6, 2010
Still Up and Going Strong Early in the MORNING!
Still awake at 5.25am on 6th of December 2010.
The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the sack?"
The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there sack."
The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one?"
The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em!""
My dear Serene Jie Jie is chatting with me from UK you know! Don't play play uh!!
So sweet of her right?!
I miss her so much lorrrr! Can't wait to see her back in SG again and we shall go out makan makan and play play and play bball with Anston and more with SERENE!!! :D:D:D
Here's two posts for you! ;) And one joke for you here...
A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack.
The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the sack?"
The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there sack."
The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one?"
The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em!""
This is what I call Trade-Off (For Serene)
Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal.
The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method.
The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds.
The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method.
The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Psychiatric Hotline Guide
Psychiatric Hotline If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
Face that does ring a bell. Literally!
The Hunchback of Notre Dame croaks so they need to find a new bell-ringer.
A guy with no arms comes along and says he can do it.
"But you've got no arms... you can't do this job!" says the church leader.
The new applicant shouts back - "Sure I can... I'll do it with my mouth!"
So the church hires him and he starts his bell-ringing duties the next day.
He begins ringing the bell using only his mouth, but the bell is so heavy, it tosses him out the window to the ground and splatters him dead.
He's lying dead on the ground and a big crowd gathers around him. "Who is that guy?" one person says.
"I don't know says another, but his face sure rings a bell... "
A guy with no arms comes along and says he can do it.
"But you've got no arms... you can't do this job!" says the church leader.
The new applicant shouts back - "Sure I can... I'll do it with my mouth!"
So the church hires him and he starts his bell-ringing duties the next day.
He begins ringing the bell using only his mouth, but the bell is so heavy, it tosses him out the window to the ground and splatters him dead.
He's lying dead on the ground and a big crowd gathers around him. "Who is that guy?" one person says.
"I don't know says another, but his face sure rings a bell... "
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Aussie was taught not to piss on his hand
An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U. S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.
The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands.
The U. S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said.
"In the U. S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak".
The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, "In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands...!"
The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands.
The U. S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said.
"In the U. S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak".
The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, "In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands...!"
I was afraid that you're going to give her back
I bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of my hair and I decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, I suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind me.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes,"" I thought to myself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the reality of the situation hit me. I was terrified!
"What the heck am I doing?" I thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to me, and I took my license without a word, and let him examined it and the car.
Finally he came to the window looking steadily at me and said, "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"
I blinked only once while my brain scrambled for a reply.
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," I said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer."
True story, the officer let me go ;)
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of my hair and I decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, I suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind me.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes,"" I thought to myself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the reality of the situation hit me. I was terrified!
"What the heck am I doing?" I thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to me, and I took my license without a word, and let him examined it and the car.
Finally he came to the window looking steadily at me and said, "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"
I blinked only once while my brain scrambled for a reply.
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," I said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer."
True story, the officer let me go ;)
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Need to catch up with my sleep
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with non stopping chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with non stopping chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
If you are a gentlemen/lady
There was once I were on my way home after a seriously long and tired day from school and training.
I boarded the bus and sat down.
The next stop, this really huge/fat lady boarded the bus and occupied the last remaining 4 seats.
Then, at the next next stop, this old lady boarded the bus.
The fat lady stared at me.
I know she wanted me to give up the seat.
I ignored and sleep. Then she tap on me and told me off with a really harsh tone saying, "If you were a gentleman, young man, you'd stand up and let someone else sit down."
I was pissed and I talked back,
"And if you were a lady, you'd stand up and let four people to sit down."
All other passengers laughed and she gave up her seat and alighted at the next stop. When she's alighted, she cause at least 8 others passengers to alight because there was no room for her to move.
I boarded the bus and sat down.
The next stop, this really huge/fat lady boarded the bus and occupied the last remaining 4 seats.
Then, at the next next stop, this old lady boarded the bus.
The fat lady stared at me.
I know she wanted me to give up the seat.
I ignored and sleep. Then she tap on me and told me off with a really harsh tone saying, "If you were a gentleman, young man, you'd stand up and let someone else sit down."
I was pissed and I talked back,
"And if you were a lady, you'd stand up and let four people to sit down."
All other passengers laughed and she gave up her seat and alighted at the next stop. When she's alighted, she cause at least 8 others passengers to alight because there was no room for her to move.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Asshole is in-charge!
One day the different parts of the body were having anargument to see which should be in charge.
The brain said, "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The eyes said, "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The hands said, "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The stomach said, "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The legs said, "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
Then the rectum said, "I think I should be in charge."
All the rest of the parts said, "YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge."
So the rectum closed up.
After a few days, the legs were allwobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky,the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.
They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.
Today's lesson: You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an a - - hole."
The brain said, "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The eyes said, "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The hands said, "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The stomach said, "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The legs said, "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
Then the rectum said, "I think I should be in charge."
All the rest of the parts said, "YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge."
So the rectum closed up.
After a few days, the legs were allwobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky,the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.
They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.
Today's lesson: You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an a - - hole."
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
A gorilla was walking through the jungle when he came across a deer eating grass in a clearing.
The gorilla roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?'and the deer replied,
'Oh, you are, Master.'
The gorilla walked off pleased.
Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole.
The gorilla roared,'Who is the king of the jungle?' and the zebra replied,
'Oh, you are, Master.'
The gorilla walked off pleased. Then he came across an elephant. 'Who is the king of the jungle?' he roared.
With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him.
The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said, 'Okay, okay, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the answer.'
The gorilla roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?'and the deer replied,
'Oh, you are, Master.'
The gorilla walked off pleased.
Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole.
The gorilla roared,'Who is the king of the jungle?' and the zebra replied,
'Oh, you are, Master.'
The gorilla walked off pleased. Then he came across an elephant. 'Who is the king of the jungle?' he roared.
With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him.
The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said, 'Okay, okay, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the answer.'
Session with the kids and George Bush
One day, President Bush visited an elementary school.
All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President.
He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word "tragedy. "
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"
The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try? "
A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"
The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"
A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"
"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer? " "Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss! "
All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President.
He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word "tragedy. "
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"
The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try? "
A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"
The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"
A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"
"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer? " "Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss! "
Friday, October 15, 2010
It's me blonde jokes
Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up.
She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."
"Let me look." said the other one.
So she handed her the compact.
The second blonde looked in the mirror then turned to the first one. "You dumb ass -- that's ME!"
She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."
"Let me look." said the other one.
So she handed her the compact.
The second blonde looked in the mirror then turned to the first one. "You dumb ass -- that's ME!"
Chemical Formula for H2O
Teacher: What is the formula for water?
George: H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O
Teacher: Is that the formula I gave you?
George: Sure, you said H to O!
George: H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O
Teacher: Is that the formula I gave you?
George: Sure, you said H to O!
Satan's sister is my wife
There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night.
So one night his wife decides to teach him a lesson. She dresses up like Satan, and decides to hide in the dark, and scare him when he gets home.
The man comes home, and his wife jumps out and screams in his face.
He just looks at her and says, ''You don't scare me I am married to your sister!'''
So one night his wife decides to teach him a lesson. She dresses up like Satan, and decides to hide in the dark, and scare him when he gets home.
The man comes home, and his wife jumps out and screams in his face.
He just looks at her and says, ''You don't scare me I am married to your sister!'''
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Epic blind men's joke
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua.
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, 'Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.'
The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.'
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'Just follow my lead.'
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walking.
A guy at the door says, 'Sorry, man, no pets allowed.'
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.'
The guy at the door says, 'A Doberman Pinscher?' He says, 'Yes,they're using them now, they're very good.'
The guy at the door says, 'Come on in.'
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, 'What the hell,' so he put son a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, 'Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.'
The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.'
The guy at the door says, 'A Chihuahua?'
The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?'
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, 'Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.'
The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.'
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'Just follow my lead.'
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walking.
A guy at the door says, 'Sorry, man, no pets allowed.'
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.'
The guy at the door says, 'A Doberman Pinscher?' He says, 'Yes,they're using them now, they're very good.'
The guy at the door says, 'Come on in.'
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, 'What the hell,' so he put son a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, 'Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.'
The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.'
The guy at the door says, 'A Chihuahua?'
The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?'
BBQ's best location and invite
I was on facebook and I came across this event of my friend and she is suggesting a BBQ session. Those who wanna go are to comment/like/tag her post.
I told her that my grand parents want to be in the event and so do my great great great grand parents.
So my great grand parents did the "adult & generous thing" by extending their warmth and sincerity and to invite all of them over to their place!
How sweet right?
See you guys in Hell for the BBQ!!! :D
I told her that my grand parents want to be in the event and so do my great great great grand parents.
So my great grand parents did the "adult & generous thing" by extending their warmth and sincerity and to invite all of them over to their place!
How sweet right?
See you guys in Hell for the BBQ!!! :D
Barred from sex on honeymoon night
On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked his bride to put them on.
The waist alone was twice her body.
She said, "I can't wear your pants."
"That's right," intoned the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in the family."
The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try it on.
"No way. I can't get into your panties." he said.
"That's right. And that's the way it'll be until you change your attitude." she said and smiled.
The waist alone was twice her body.
She said, "I can't wear your pants."
"That's right," intoned the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in the family."
The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try it on.
"No way. I can't get into your panties." he said.
"That's right. And that's the way it'll be until you change your attitude." she said and smiled.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
The crying landlord
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400. "
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife.
"May I ask who you are? "
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400. "
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife.
"May I ask who you are? "
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
Notes from little children to God
Here's a list of some cute letters kids have written to God.
Dear GOD : Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones You have? - Jane
Dear GOD : Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry Dear
GOD : If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey Dear
GOD : I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Nan
Dear GOD : In school they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on vacation? - Jane
Dear GOD : I read the Bible. What does "beget "" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Love, Alison
Dear GOD : Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? - Lucy
Dear GOD : Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? - Anita
Dear GOD : Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma
Dear GOD : Who draws the lines around the countries? - Nem
Dear GOD : I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil
Dear GOD : What does it mean you are a Jealous God? I thought you had everything. - Morris
Dear GOD : Did You really mean 'do unto others as they do unto you' ? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla
Dear GOD : Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce
Dear GOD : It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. - Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)
Dear GOD : Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. - Tom L.
Dear GOD : Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. - Bruce
Dear GOD:If we come back as something else, please don't let me be Mary Horton - because I hate her. - Denise
Dear GOD : If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. - Raphael
Dear GOD : I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. - Sam
Dear GOD : You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. - Dean
Dear GOD : I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. - Ruth M.
Dear GOD : I think about you sometimes even when I'm not praying - Elliott
Dear GOD : Of all the people who work for you, I like Noah and David the best.- Rob
Dear GOD : My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? - Marsha
Dear GOD : I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Love, Chris
Dear GOD : We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said you did it So I bet he stole your idea. - Sincerely, Donna
Dear GOD : The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land, you fool. " But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Eddie
Dear GOD : I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are GOD already. - Charles
Dear GOD : I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool. - Eugene"
Dear GOD : Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones You have? - Jane
Dear GOD : Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry Dear
GOD : If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey Dear
GOD : I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Nan
Dear GOD : In school they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on vacation? - Jane
Dear GOD : I read the Bible. What does "beget "" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Love, Alison
Dear GOD : Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? - Lucy
Dear GOD : Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? - Anita
Dear GOD : Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma
Dear GOD : Who draws the lines around the countries? - Nem
Dear GOD : I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil
Dear GOD : What does it mean you are a Jealous God? I thought you had everything. - Morris
Dear GOD : Did You really mean 'do unto others as they do unto you' ? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla
Dear GOD : Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce
Dear GOD : It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. - Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)
Dear GOD : Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. - Tom L.
Dear GOD : Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. - Bruce
Dear GOD:If we come back as something else, please don't let me be Mary Horton - because I hate her. - Denise
Dear GOD : If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. - Raphael
Dear GOD : I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. - Sam
Dear GOD : You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. - Dean
Dear GOD : I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. - Ruth M.
Dear GOD : I think about you sometimes even when I'm not praying - Elliott
Dear GOD : Of all the people who work for you, I like Noah and David the best.- Rob
Dear GOD : My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? - Marsha
Dear GOD : I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Love, Chris
Dear GOD : We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said you did it So I bet he stole your idea. - Sincerely, Donna
Dear GOD : The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land, you fool. " But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Eddie
Dear GOD : I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are GOD already. - Charles
Dear GOD : I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool. - Eugene"
Grab the things that you will need
One day a blonde, red-head, and a brunette were driving through the desert when all of a sudden their car broke down.
They decided they would all walk to civilization.
The red-head said, "I'm going to take water so if I get thirsty I can drink it. "
" Then the brunette said, "I'm going to take some food so if I get hungry I can eat. "
And then the blonde said, "I'm going to take the car door, so if I get hot, I can roll the window down! "
They decided they would all walk to civilization.
The red-head said, "I'm going to take water so if I get thirsty I can drink it. "
" Then the brunette said, "I'm going to take some food so if I get hungry I can eat. "
And then the blonde said, "I'm going to take the car door, so if I get hot, I can roll the window down! "
Company's policy for old employees
Dear Employee:As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive.
We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area.
If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive.
We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area.
If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
Killer who wouldn't lend his hammer
A man is in court.
The Judges says, "On the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead? "
"Guilty ", said the man in the dock.
At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat! "
The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued, "and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead "?
"Guilty ", said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat!!"
At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man? "
He replied "He is my next door neighbor ".
The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments ".
The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one "!!!"
The Judges says, "On the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead? "
"Guilty ", said the man in the dock.
At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat! "
The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued, "and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead "?
"Guilty ", said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat!!"
At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man? "
He replied "He is my next door neighbor ".
The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments ".
The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one "!!!"
How to hunt for a man with large dick
An old woman walks into a drug store and asks the young man behind the counter if they sell extra large condoms.
The clerk looks at the woman quizzically, but shrugs and tells her "yes, we do. They're right here behind the counter. "
The old woman thanks the clerk and stands there, and stands there, and stands there.
The clerk asks the old woman, "Is there something else I can help you with, Ma'am? ".
The woman smiles sweetly at the clerk and says, "No, thank you, son. I'm just waiting here to see who buys them ".
The clerk looks at the woman quizzically, but shrugs and tells her "yes, we do. They're right here behind the counter. "
The old woman thanks the clerk and stands there, and stands there, and stands there.
The clerk asks the old woman, "Is there something else I can help you with, Ma'am? ".
The woman smiles sweetly at the clerk and says, "No, thank you, son. I'm just waiting here to see who buys them ".
Spirit is there but the flash is weak (spirit is there but the flesh is weak)
There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the town folk - the ghost which "lived" there was feared by all.
However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom.
When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al.
He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph ".
The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.
The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos.
Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed. So what's the moral of the story?
The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom.
When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al.
He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph ".
The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.
The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos.
Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed. So what's the moral of the story?
The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Something nice for Late-Dad
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill. "
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid.
The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "
you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo. "
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid.
The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "
you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo. "
Friday, July 23, 2010
Another Blonde story
A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.
On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"
On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"
Cleansing (No offense)
A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Beth have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Laura! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If you think I'm going to gargle with that Holy Water, I'm gunna do it before Melissa sticks her ass in it!"
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Beth have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Laura! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If you think I'm going to gargle with that Holy Water, I'm gunna do it before Melissa sticks her ass in it!"
Sex Depictation of Senarios between 2 couples
Two female co-workers are having a conversation at work.
Woman 1: Did you have good sex last night?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 4 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How about you?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home. He took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we took a walk for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. After foreplay we had an hour long session of fantastic sex and then we talked for an hour. It was like in a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: Did you have good sex last night?
Husband 2: Yes, it was great! I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I didn't pay the bill. In return I had to take my wife out to dinner and the dinner was so expensive that we didn't have money for a cab. So we had to walk home for an hour - and when we got home, there was no electricity, so I had to light fricking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't cum for another hour. After I finally did, I was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
Woman 1: Did you have good sex last night?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 4 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How about you?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home. He took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we took a walk for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. After foreplay we had an hour long session of fantastic sex and then we talked for an hour. It was like in a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: Did you have good sex last night?
Husband 2: Yes, it was great! I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I didn't pay the bill. In return I had to take my wife out to dinner and the dinner was so expensive that we didn't have money for a cab. So we had to walk home for an hour - and when we got home, there was no electricity, so I had to light fricking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't cum for another hour. After I finally did, I was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
HEALTH ALERT!!!
ALERT
The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the
antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to your friends.
If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life...
The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the
antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to your friends.
If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life...
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Sorry, I don't have smaller change for that
One rainy spring night in Dublin, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Vale Road, "answered the woman", “OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?'"
"Well lady, replied the driver, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"...
Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Vale Road, "answered the woman", “OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?'"
"Well lady, replied the driver, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"...
Goat, not ghost~
At a crowded lecture hall, the speaker stands up and says "Hands up if any of you every seen a ghost?"
Quite a few people put up their hand.
The speaker continues...
"And of those, how many have actually claimed to have touched a ghost?".
Many hands go down, but still a few remain.
"And of these, have any of you every had sex with a ghost?".
All the hands go down except this person right at the back of the hall!
The speaker shouts. "Sir! are you saying you've actually had sex with a ghost?"
The man shouted back "Oh, ghost!..... I thought you said GOAT!"
Quite a few people put up their hand.
The speaker continues...
"And of those, how many have actually claimed to have touched a ghost?".
Many hands go down, but still a few remain.
"And of these, have any of you every had sex with a ghost?".
All the hands go down except this person right at the back of the hall!
The speaker shouts. "Sir! are you saying you've actually had sex with a ghost?"
The man shouted back "Oh, ghost!..... I thought you said GOAT!"
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Not expecting too much (Idiots)
Supervisor to waiters/waitresses: I don't expect the cutleries to be super clean, all I'm asking for is for it to be spotless, the colour must look uniform, am I asking too much?
Waiters/Waitresses: ??!?!?!?!?!??!?! *SHOCKED*
Not long later~
Supervisor checks... Then fainted*
The waiters and waitresses did exactly as the supervisor has said. All the cutleries that have spot(s) on it was made more dirty. Cutleries with coffee stains were soaked in coffee to make the colour look uniform and the other kind of spots.. I'll leave it up to your imagination..
Mother to children: I don't expect all of you to top the whole nation or get exellent grades. All I ask of you is to be like a genius.
Next day, all the children were dressed like Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein and those famous sciencetiests.. all in fuzzy messed up hair and clothings or coat
Waiters/Waitresses: ??!?!?!?!?!??!?! *SHOCKED*
Not long later~
Supervisor checks... Then fainted*
The waiters and waitresses did exactly as the supervisor has said. All the cutleries that have spot(s) on it was made more dirty. Cutleries with coffee stains were soaked in coffee to make the colour look uniform and the other kind of spots.. I'll leave it up to your imagination..
Mother to children: I don't expect all of you to top the whole nation or get exellent grades. All I ask of you is to be like a genius.
Next day, all the children were dressed like Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein and those famous sciencetiests.. all in fuzzy messed up hair and clothings or coat
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Faithful at last
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters.
The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?!"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?!"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
We should not stick our finger in our nose
Five year old Johnny and his little sister are peeping through a keyhole at their parents making love: "Wow, look at them! And we are not allowed even to stick a finger in our nose!"
Bad Bad Hearing
An elderly couple were driving across the country.
The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding? "
"The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say? "
The old man yells, ""He says you were speeding! "
"The patrolman says, "May I see your license? "
The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say? "
The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say? "And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"
The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding? "
"The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say? "
The old man yells, ""He says you were speeding! "
"The patrolman says, "May I see your license? "
The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say? "
The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say? "And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"
Thursday, June 17, 2010
The essence of short and sweet - straight to the point
The story of someone getting a haircut.
Women's version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's version:
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
Women's version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's version:
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
Too damn slow/dumb/late?
"We have a terrible time making ends meet on Bob's income. " his wife told her best friend.
"How do you two manage? And you even have kids! "
"We get along okay," her friend said. "You see, we work on our budget every evening. That saves us lots of money. "
"Really? How can that be? "
"Well, by the time we get it all balanced, it's too damn late to go anywhere and do anything! "
"How do you two manage? And you even have kids! "
"We get along okay," her friend said. "You see, we work on our budget every evening. That saves us lots of money. "
"Really? How can that be? "
"Well, by the time we get it all balanced, it's too damn late to go anywhere and do anything! "
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
12 Guaranteed Ways to Be Miserable at Work
Don’t appreciate your achievements. Instead, regard them as things that anyone could do or which somehow occurred through no serious effort of your own.
Keep raising the bar. Turn a search for excellence into an exhausting, never-ending quest.
Look at life through a mirror. After all, the rest of the world should behave and think as you do.
Expect others to know when you are upset. Regard their failure as a sign that they are insensitive and uncaring.
Reopen old wounds. Blame your parents, siblings, coworkers, bosses, and teachers. Let no transgression have a statute of limitations.
Worry. Fret about things that are unlikely to happen. Worry some more when they don’t happen.
Embrace martyrdom. Be much harder on yourself than you would be on others.
Don’t enjoy the small things. Keep your eye on the weightier matters. Ignore small pleasures such as watching a sunrise or having a good cup of coffee.
Fall in with bad companions. Associate with people who have similar negative habits so you can reinforce one another’s feelings.
Swing for the fences. Forget the base hits and incremental goals.
Don’t set deadlines. Hey, you’ll get around to it one of these days.
And above all, expect an even playing field. The world is noted for being fair.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
No offense Canadians, I still love you bitches there
One day an Englishman, an
American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together.
They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian.
Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling...
"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!! "
American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together.
They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian.
Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling...
"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!! "
There's no toilet paper in here either
A drunk stumbles into a confessional. The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall. The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy, there's no paper in this one, either! "
Old lawyer
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing.
St. Peter greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special? "
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old! ""
To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing.
St. Peter greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special? "
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old! ""
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Cheap parking, high security
A man walks into a New York bank, and says he's going to Europe for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
For collateral, he offers his new Rolls Royce.
The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground garage.
Two weeks later to the day, the man returns to the bank, repays the $5000 and interest of $15.41.
The loan officer says inquiringly, "Sir, we were delighted to have your business but, in checking your credit, we learned you are a multimillionaire.
Why ever did you need to borrow $5000? ""
""Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for $15.41? """
For collateral, he offers his new Rolls Royce.
The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground garage.
Two weeks later to the day, the man returns to the bank, repays the $5000 and interest of $15.41.
The loan officer says inquiringly, "Sir, we were delighted to have your business but, in checking your credit, we learned you are a multimillionaire.
Why ever did you need to borrow $5000? ""
""Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for $15.41? """
Poop, Shut Up, Manners and Trouble
There were once four kids, Poop, Shut Up, Manners and Trouble.
Poop was riding his bike and fell.
Manners went to help him up.
Trouble got lost.
Shut Up goes to the Police Station to report it.
Officer: What's your name?
Shut Up: Shut Up.
Officer: What's your name?
Shut Up: Shut Up.
Officer: For the last time, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!
Shut Up: Shut Up!
Officer: Are you looking for Trouble?
Shut Up: Yeah, we lost him about 2 miles back.
Officer: Where's your Manners?
Shut Up: Back there pickin' up Poop.
Poop was riding his bike and fell.
Manners went to help him up.
Trouble got lost.
Shut Up goes to the Police Station to report it.
Officer: What's your name?
Shut Up: Shut Up.
Officer: What's your name?
Shut Up: Shut Up.
Officer: For the last time, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!
Shut Up: Shut Up!
Officer: Are you looking for Trouble?
Shut Up: Yeah, we lost him about 2 miles back.
Officer: Where's your Manners?
Shut Up: Back there pickin' up Poop.
Friday, May 28, 2010
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Trusting someone else to bring money to your coffin
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.
At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the
coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said,
"I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that. "
The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal cheque for the full $30,000!"
He called for the three men he trusted most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.
At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the
coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said,
"I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that. "
The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal cheque for the full $30,000!"
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Even a genie can't handle women
A man walking along a beach finds a lamp, picks it up, rubs it and this genie pops out.
The genie says, "For releasing me I shall grant you one wish! "
"The man thinks for a minute, and says, "
"I want you to build a bridge to Hawaii. I'm scared of flying and tend to get seasick. "
"The genie replies, "
"My good lad, do you realize how much it will take to do that?
First of all, it will cost millions just to hire the workers.
Not to mention all the materials it will take.
In addition, there would need to be countless rest stops and gas stations and it would interfere with shipping lanes.
I'm sorry, but it just can't be done. Please choose another wish! "
"The man thinks for a minute, and says, ""I want to be able to understand women. "
"The genie pauses for a moment and says -"
"So, this bridge you want...two lanes or four? """
The genie says, "For releasing me I shall grant you one wish! "
"The man thinks for a minute, and says, "
"I want you to build a bridge to Hawaii. I'm scared of flying and tend to get seasick. "
"The genie replies, "
"My good lad, do you realize how much it will take to do that?
First of all, it will cost millions just to hire the workers.
Not to mention all the materials it will take.
In addition, there would need to be countless rest stops and gas stations and it would interfere with shipping lanes.
I'm sorry, but it just can't be done. Please choose another wish! "
"The man thinks for a minute, and says, ""I want to be able to understand women. "
"The genie pauses for a moment and says -"
"So, this bridge you want...two lanes or four? """
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Guys, print all these and keep it as notes to study before getting into a relationship with women
The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want
The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want
The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious
The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later
The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to bitch
The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to
The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron
The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot
The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.
The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.
The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!
The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.
The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!
The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.
The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.
The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.
The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.
The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.
The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.
The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]
The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No
The wife says: No
The wife means: No
The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No
The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry
The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it
The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.
The wife says: Was that the baby crying?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him
The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am!
I think this is important!
In answer to the question "What's wrong? "
The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.
The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.
The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.
The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam and I am going to cheat on you.
The wife means: You want
The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want
The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious
The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later
The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to bitch
The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to
The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron
The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot
The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.
The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.
The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!
The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.
The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!
The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.
The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.
The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.
The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.
The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.
The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.
The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]
The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No
The wife says: No
The wife means: No
The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No
The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry
The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it
The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.
The wife says: Was that the baby crying?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him
The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am!
I think this is important!
In answer to the question "What's wrong? "
The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.
The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.
The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.
The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam and I am going to cheat on you.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Why is it still loving even when they call you a pig
Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid.
Nevertheless, he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them then following their leads.
He observed the couple next to him.
The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar? ""
Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.
Another table over Joe observed the following.
A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, ""Honey, honey? ""
Again Joe thought this was good stuff. Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said, ""Ham, pig? """
Nevertheless, he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them then following their leads.
He observed the couple next to him.
The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar? ""
Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.
Another table over Joe observed the following.
A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, ""Honey, honey? ""
Again Joe thought this was good stuff. Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said, ""Ham, pig? """
Monday, May 10, 2010
Worried mom and sarcastic doctor
Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
Hmmmm. Let's hope nothing develops.
Hmmmm. Let's hope nothing develops.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Ways to tell who you are making love to
Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit. "
A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right. "
An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally. "
A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit. "
A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right. "
An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally. "
Something's wrong when your child look neither like you nor your spouse
Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"What will you name the baby "?
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,"Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong!
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"What will you name the baby "?
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,"Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Sometimes, guys just are so ARGGHHHHH~!!!
Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that? "
"Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly know that girl! "
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that? "
"Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly know that girl! "
Nice try dude, nice try
One day a lady was driving on the Highway.
She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit.
However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind!
And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights.
She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding.
I'm not drinking.
I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything! "
So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car.
She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it.
A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her.
The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf.
The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck. "
She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit.
However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind!
And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights.
She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding.
I'm not drinking.
I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything! "
So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car.
She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it.
A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her.
The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf.
The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck. "
Friday, April 30, 2010
A classic example of how liars are being treated
A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail.
The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch.
A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage.
Finding the politicians he buries them.
The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man.
"So you buried all the politicians? " asked the police officer.
"Were they all dead? "
The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie. "
The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch.
A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage.
Finding the politicians he buries them.
The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man.
"So you buried all the politicians? " asked the police officer.
"Were they all dead? "
The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie. "
What you ask for is what you get, perhaps not
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Stupidity at its finest phase!
The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.
"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department. "
"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered.
"Look."
He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway.
"Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.
"You're not there, sir," he reported.
"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head.
"I would have phoned. "
"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department. "
"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered.
"Look."
He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway.
"Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.
"You're not there, sir," he reported.
"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head.
"I would have phoned. "
Mode of payment
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment.
But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will. "
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change... "
But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will. "
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change... "
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Employers, be careful how you advertise for recruitment
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.
"What is the meaning of this? " the director asked.
"When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience.
Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held. "
"Well," the young man replied "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination. "
"What is the meaning of this? " the director asked.
"When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience.
Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held. "
"Well," the young man replied "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination. "
Start young to nurture your swindling skills
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it.
Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled! "
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.
Finding nothing, the man said,
"There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled. "
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it.
Fifty-one people swindled! "
Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled! "
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.
Finding nothing, the man said,
"There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled. "
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it.
Fifty-one people swindled! "
Think before you answer rashly
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis? "
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man. "
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis? "
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does. "
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis? "
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man. "
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis? "
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does. "
Sunday, April 25, 2010
To save your husband or not
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
Be pleasant at all times.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse.
Do not nag him.
Most importantly, make love to him regularly."
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. "
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say? "
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
Be pleasant at all times.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse.
Do not nag him.
Most importantly, make love to him regularly."
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. "
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say? "
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
Jokes for men (Please don't take this seriously and continue to love your lady more)
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course.
At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told!
No offense ladies, I do find all of you extremely important in our lives and I love the uniqueness in each and everyone of you. Without women, men are nothing
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course.
At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told!
No offense ladies, I do find all of you extremely important in our lives and I love the uniqueness in each and everyone of you. Without women, men are nothing
Friday, April 23, 2010
Saying the truth but not the situation
A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just afterarriving home from work.
As he was tuning into the evening news, the phonerang.
The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of acolleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked,
"Is it serious? "
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already! "
As he was tuning into the evening news, the phonerang.
The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of acolleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked,
"Is it serious? "
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already! "
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Whom do you prefer to operate on if you're a surgeon?
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
Everything inside is numbered ".
"I think librarians are the easiest " said the second surgeon.
"When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered ".
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded ".
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless,spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable. "
The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
Everything inside is numbered ".
"I think librarians are the easiest " said the second surgeon.
"When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered ".
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded ".
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless,spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable. "
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
How to scold your boss into his ear without him knowing who you are
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded,
"You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?! "
"No. " replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good! " replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded,
"You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?! "
"No. " replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good! " replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
Monday, April 12, 2010
The garlic and foot test
If you’re skeptical that your foot is connected to your internal organs, try this simple test—and prove it to yourself...
Cut a clove of garlic in half and rub the fresh garlic side on the sole of your foot for approximately 45 seconds.
Cut a clove of garlic in half and rub the fresh garlic side on the sole of your foot for approximately 45 seconds.
How to answer your priest
Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the services Barney would fall asleep.
One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do.
The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.
The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior?
Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!
Soon after that he goes back to sleep.
The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father?
Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep.
The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time?
Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells:IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!
One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do.
The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.
The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior?
Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!
Soon after that he goes back to sleep.
The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father?
Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep.
The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time?
Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells:IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
BMW Dating with Blondes
A man is taking his girlfriend for a date in his BMW.
Man: I want to admit something if you donÃt mind.
I told you one lie.
I am a married person.
Blonde: Thank God, I was frightened!
I thought you would tell, this car is not yours!!
Man: I want to admit something if you donÃt mind.
I told you one lie.
I am a married person.
Blonde: Thank God, I was frightened!
I thought you would tell, this car is not yours!!
No offense to our Italian friends
What is the difference between an English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?
An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year.
A Sicilian actuary can not only tell you how many people are going to die, on top of that
the Sicilian actuary can give you the names to the people who are going to die.
An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year.
A Sicilian actuary can not only tell you how many people are going to die, on top of that
the Sicilian actuary can give you the names to the people who are going to die.
Old Man On A Bench
An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying.
A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.
"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman.
Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing.
In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again.
At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves. "
The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world! "
So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live! "
A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.
"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman.
Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing.
In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again.
At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves. "
The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world! "
So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live! "
I called my boyfriend a BASTARD
GIRL: I have sinned? I called my boyfriend a BASTARD?
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me?
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this ( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ......Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD?
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top?
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this? ( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD?
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this? ( The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he told me he has
AIDS after having sex with me.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me?
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this ( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ......Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD?
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top?
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this? ( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD?
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this? ( The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he told me he has
AIDS after having sex with me.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Don't step on the ducks!!!
Three very kind women unfortunately died in a car accident.
Being kind have given them the privilege to go to heaven.
Upon reaching the heaven's gate, a saint is standing there to welcome the ladies and to brief them on the rule.
The saint told them that they can do whatever they want in heaven, but must never step on the ducks.
Puzzled as you are, the women agreed and went right through the gates of heaven.
Once they've set foot into heaven, they see heavenly ducks everywhere..
Unintentionally, the first woman stepped on a duck on her first day in heaven.
The saint who greeted them then approach her with an ugly man and chain the both of them together.
Saint: This is the punishment for stepping the duck. Now you have to spend eternity with this man as punishment. I told you~
The two women who came with the woman being chained was shocked and thereafter they have been very careful with every step they take.
After a few weeks of carefully taken steps by the remaining two women, one accidentally stepped on a duck.
The same fate as the first woman follows....
Feeling very fearful, the last remaining woman have thus became even more careful than before..
After months of avoiding duck stepping,
the saint approach the last woman with a very handsome man and chain the both of them together.
Jubilantly the woman ask: OH my~!!! What good have I done to deserve such a fine man?! Grrrr~!!!(purr/growl like a cat)
The handsome man replied: I don't know what good you have done in your previous life Mam, but I've stepped on a duck
Being kind have given them the privilege to go to heaven.
Upon reaching the heaven's gate, a saint is standing there to welcome the ladies and to brief them on the rule.
The saint told them that they can do whatever they want in heaven, but must never step on the ducks.
Puzzled as you are, the women agreed and went right through the gates of heaven.
Once they've set foot into heaven, they see heavenly ducks everywhere..
Unintentionally, the first woman stepped on a duck on her first day in heaven.
The saint who greeted them then approach her with an ugly man and chain the both of them together.
Saint: This is the punishment for stepping the duck. Now you have to spend eternity with this man as punishment. I told you~
The two women who came with the woman being chained was shocked and thereafter they have been very careful with every step they take.
After a few weeks of carefully taken steps by the remaining two women, one accidentally stepped on a duck.
The same fate as the first woman follows....
Feeling very fearful, the last remaining woman have thus became even more careful than before..
After months of avoiding duck stepping,
the saint approach the last woman with a very handsome man and chain the both of them together.
Jubilantly the woman ask: OH my~!!! What good have I done to deserve such a fine man?! Grrrr~!!!(purr/growl like a cat)
The handsome man replied: I don't know what good you have done in your previous life Mam, but I've stepped on a duck
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Evolution of man, much difference?
Hmm, ape is the smartest mammal alive as cited by scientists and their research - excluding human beings. Seems like the evolution have help made us more intelligent and improve much on the inside, but on the outside.. more or less the same..
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Tourist Joke^^ Funny if you get it^^
A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"
"1215," answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says, "Damn! Just missed it by a half hour!"
A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"
"1215," answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says, "Damn! Just missed it by a half hour!"
Women Should Act on Every Impulse and Call it Instinct? That's what separates intelligent and matured women from stupid and immature women.
More women every year turn against the magazines and their readers because of this one; they basically advocate that women should do whatever they want, when they want, regardless of who they may hurt in doing so. Why? Because they’re women and they should act on every impulse, because those impulses are womanly instincts and they can’t possibly be happy without acting on them. These gems of advice range from quitting a good job on a whim, to basically becoming a prostitute because it sounds fun at the time. In the universe that women’s magazines operate in, everyone is a spoiled little girl with a trust fund to fall back on, and absolutely no morals whatsoever.
Don't worry, not all girls are like that.
There are a lot of really good and intelligent women out there
I know of :) Cheers!!!
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