Epic blind men's joke

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua.

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, 'Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.'

The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.'

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'Just follow my lead.'

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walking.

A guy at the door says, 'Sorry, man, no pets allowed.'

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.'

The guy at the door says, 'A Doberman Pinscher?' He says, 'Yes,they're using them now, they're very good.'

The guy at the door says, 'Come on in.'

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, 'What the hell,' so he put son a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says, 'Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.'

The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.'

The guy at the door says, 'A Chihuahua?'

The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?'

BBQ's best location and invite

I was on facebook and I came across this event of my friend and she is suggesting a BBQ session. Those who wanna go are to comment/like/tag her post.

I told her that my grand parents want to be in the event and so do my great great great grand parents.

So my great grand parents did the "adult & generous thing" by extending their warmth and sincerity and to invite all of them over to their place!

How sweet right?

See you guys in Hell for the BBQ!!! :D

Barred from sex on honeymoon night

On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked his bride to put them on.

The waist alone was twice her body.

She said, "I can't wear your pants."

"That's right," intoned the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in the family."

 The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try it on.

"No way. I can't get into your panties." he said.

"That's right. And that's the way it'll be until you change your attitude." she said and smiled.

The crying landlord

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400. "

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife.

"May I ask who you are? "

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

Notes from little children to God

Here's a list of some cute letters kids have written to God.

Dear GOD : Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones You have? - Jane

Dear GOD : Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry Dear

GOD : If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey Dear

GOD : I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Nan

Dear GOD : In school they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on vacation? - Jane

Dear GOD : I read the Bible. What does "beget "" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Love, Alison

Dear GOD : Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? - Lucy

 Dear GOD : Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? - Anita

Dear GOD : Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD : Who draws the lines around the countries? - Nem

Dear GOD : I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD : What does it mean you are a Jealous God? I thought you had everything. - Morris

Dear GOD : Did You really mean 'do unto others as they do unto you' ? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla

Dear GOD : Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce

Dear GOD : It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. - Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)

Dear GOD : Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. - Tom L.

Dear GOD : Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. - Bruce

Dear GOD:If we come back as something else, please don't let me be Mary Horton - because I hate her. - Denise

Dear GOD : If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. - Raphael

Dear GOD : I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. - Sam

Dear GOD : You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. - Dean

Dear GOD : I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. - Ruth M.

Dear GOD : I think about you sometimes even when I'm not praying - Elliott

Dear GOD : Of all the people who work for you, I like Noah and David the best.- Rob

Dear GOD : My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? - Marsha

Dear GOD : I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Love, Chris

Dear GOD : We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said you did it So I bet he stole your idea. - Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD : The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land, you fool. " But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Eddie

Dear GOD : I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are GOD already. - Charles

Dear GOD : I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool. - Eugene"

Grab the things that you will need

One day a blonde, red-head, and a brunette were driving through the desert when all of a sudden their car broke down.

They decided they would all walk to civilization.

The red-head said, "I'm going to take water so if I get thirsty I can drink it. "

" Then the brunette said, "I'm going to take some food so if I get hungry I can eat. "

 And then the blonde said, "I'm going to take the car door, so if I get hot, I can roll the window down! "

Company's policy for old employees

Dear Employee:As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. 

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.

This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).

We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive.

We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area.

If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

Killer who wouldn't lend his hammer

A man is in court.

The Judges says, "On the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead? "

"Guilty ", said the man in the dock.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat! "

The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued, "and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead "?

"Guilty ", said the man in the dock.

Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat!!"

At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man? "

He replied "He is my next door neighbor ".

The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments ".

The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one "!!!"

How to hunt for a man with large dick

An old woman walks into a drug store and asks the young man behind the counter if they sell extra large condoms.

The clerk looks at the woman quizzically, but shrugs and tells her "yes, we do. They're right here behind the counter. "

The old woman thanks the clerk and stands there, and stands there, and stands there.

The clerk asks the old woman, "Is there something else I can help you with, Ma'am? ".

The woman smiles sweetly at the clerk and says, "No, thank you, son. I'm just waiting here to see who buys them ".

Spirit is there but the flash is weak (spirit is there but the flesh is weak)

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the town folk - the ghost which "lived" there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom.

When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al.

He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph ".

The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos.

 Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed. So what's the moral of the story?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.