Shoot the Dog

Commissioned by a zoo to bring them some baboons, the big game hunter devised a novel scheme to trap them - his only requirements being a sack, a gun, and a particularly vicious and bad tempered dog.

Once in the jungle, he explained to his assistant. "I'll climb this tree and shake the branches, if there are any baboons up there, they will fall to the ground - and the dogs will bite their tail and immobilise them so that you can pick them up quite safely and put them in the sack."

"But what do I need the gun for?" asked the assisant.

"If I should fall out of the tree by mistake, shoot the dog."

Let's start swearing with HELL & ASS

Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing. So they plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast.

The 8-year-old says he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS.

Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast.

 And when their mother asks them what they want, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll have some Fruit Loops."

Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on his chair, sending him screaming back upstairs.

She then turns to the 6-year-old and ask, "What are you going to have?" He replies, "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."

Lawyer Jokes (Q&A)

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?


A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!


Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?

A: Shoot the lawyer twice.


Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start!


Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: His lips are moving.


Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.


Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy.


Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.


Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

A: To practice. A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"


Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?

A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and night crawlers


Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U. S.?

A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.


Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A: The lawyer charges more."