A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.
On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"
Friday, July 23, 2010
Cleansing (No offense)
A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Beth have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Laura! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If you think I'm going to gargle with that Holy Water, I'm gunna do it before Melissa sticks her ass in it!"
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Beth have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Laura! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If you think I'm going to gargle with that Holy Water, I'm gunna do it before Melissa sticks her ass in it!"
Sex Depictation of Senarios between 2 couples
Two female co-workers are having a conversation at work.
Woman 1: Did you have good sex last night?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 4 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How about you?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home. He took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we took a walk for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. After foreplay we had an hour long session of fantastic sex and then we talked for an hour. It was like in a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: Did you have good sex last night?
Husband 2: Yes, it was great! I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I didn't pay the bill. In return I had to take my wife out to dinner and the dinner was so expensive that we didn't have money for a cab. So we had to walk home for an hour - and when we got home, there was no electricity, so I had to light fricking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't cum for another hour. After I finally did, I was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
Woman 1: Did you have good sex last night?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 4 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How about you?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home. He took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we took a walk for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. After foreplay we had an hour long session of fantastic sex and then we talked for an hour. It was like in a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: Did you have good sex last night?
Husband 2: Yes, it was great! I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I didn't pay the bill. In return I had to take my wife out to dinner and the dinner was so expensive that we didn't have money for a cab. So we had to walk home for an hour - and when we got home, there was no electricity, so I had to light fricking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't cum for another hour. After I finally did, I was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
HEALTH ALERT!!!
ALERT
The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the
antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to your friends.
If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life...
The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the
antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to your friends.
If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life...
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Sorry, I don't have smaller change for that
One rainy spring night in Dublin, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Vale Road, "answered the woman", “OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?'"
"Well lady, replied the driver, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"...
Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Vale Road, "answered the woman", “OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?'"
"Well lady, replied the driver, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"...
Goat, not ghost~
At a crowded lecture hall, the speaker stands up and says "Hands up if any of you every seen a ghost?"
Quite a few people put up their hand.
The speaker continues...
"And of those, how many have actually claimed to have touched a ghost?".
Many hands go down, but still a few remain.
"And of these, have any of you every had sex with a ghost?".
All the hands go down except this person right at the back of the hall!
The speaker shouts. "Sir! are you saying you've actually had sex with a ghost?"
The man shouted back "Oh, ghost!..... I thought you said GOAT!"
Quite a few people put up their hand.
The speaker continues...
"And of those, how many have actually claimed to have touched a ghost?".
Many hands go down, but still a few remain.
"And of these, have any of you every had sex with a ghost?".
All the hands go down except this person right at the back of the hall!
The speaker shouts. "Sir! are you saying you've actually had sex with a ghost?"
The man shouted back "Oh, ghost!..... I thought you said GOAT!"
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