A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail.
The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch.
A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage.
Finding the politicians he buries them.
The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man.
"So you buried all the politicians? " asked the police officer.
"Were they all dead? "
The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie. "
Friday, April 30, 2010
What you ask for is what you get, perhaps not
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Stupidity at its finest phase!
The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.
"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department. "
"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered.
"Look."
He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway.
"Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.
"You're not there, sir," he reported.
"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head.
"I would have phoned. "
"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department. "
"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered.
"Look."
He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway.
"Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.
"You're not there, sir," he reported.
"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head.
"I would have phoned. "
Mode of payment
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment.
But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will. "
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change... "
But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will. "
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change... "
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Employers, be careful how you advertise for recruitment
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.
"What is the meaning of this? " the director asked.
"When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience.
Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held. "
"Well," the young man replied "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination. "
"What is the meaning of this? " the director asked.
"When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience.
Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held. "
"Well," the young man replied "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination. "
Start young to nurture your swindling skills
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it.
Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled! "
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.
Finding nothing, the man said,
"There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled. "
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it.
Fifty-one people swindled! "
Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled! "
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.
Finding nothing, the man said,
"There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled. "
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it.
Fifty-one people swindled! "
Think before you answer rashly
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis? "
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man. "
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis? "
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does. "
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis? "
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man. "
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis? "
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does. "
Sunday, April 25, 2010
To save your husband or not
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
Be pleasant at all times.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse.
Do not nag him.
Most importantly, make love to him regularly."
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. "
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say? "
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
Be pleasant at all times.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse.
Do not nag him.
Most importantly, make love to him regularly."
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. "
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say? "
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
Jokes for men (Please don't take this seriously and continue to love your lady more)
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course.
At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told!
No offense ladies, I do find all of you extremely important in our lives and I love the uniqueness in each and everyone of you. Without women, men are nothing
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course.
At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told!
No offense ladies, I do find all of you extremely important in our lives and I love the uniqueness in each and everyone of you. Without women, men are nothing
Friday, April 23, 2010
Saying the truth but not the situation
A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just afterarriving home from work.
As he was tuning into the evening news, the phonerang.
The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of acolleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked,
"Is it serious? "
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already! "
As he was tuning into the evening news, the phonerang.
The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of acolleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked,
"Is it serious? "
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already! "
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Whom do you prefer to operate on if you're a surgeon?
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
Everything inside is numbered ".
"I think librarians are the easiest " said the second surgeon.
"When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered ".
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded ".
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless,spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable. "
The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
Everything inside is numbered ".
"I think librarians are the easiest " said the second surgeon.
"When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered ".
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded ".
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless,spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable. "
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
How to scold your boss into his ear without him knowing who you are
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded,
"You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?! "
"No. " replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good! " replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded,
"You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?! "
"No. " replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good! " replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
Monday, April 12, 2010
The garlic and foot test
If you’re skeptical that your foot is connected to your internal organs, try this simple test—and prove it to yourself...
Cut a clove of garlic in half and rub the fresh garlic side on the sole of your foot for approximately 45 seconds.
Cut a clove of garlic in half and rub the fresh garlic side on the sole of your foot for approximately 45 seconds.
How to answer your priest
Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the services Barney would fall asleep.
One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do.
The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.
The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior?
Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!
Soon after that he goes back to sleep.
The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father?
Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep.
The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time?
Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells:IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!
One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do.
The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.
The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior?
Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!
Soon after that he goes back to sleep.
The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father?
Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep.
The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time?
Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells:IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
BMW Dating with Blondes
A man is taking his girlfriend for a date in his BMW.
Man: I want to admit something if you donít mind.
I told you one lie.
I am a married person.
Blonde: Thank God, I was frightened!
I thought you would tell, this car is not yours!!
Man: I want to admit something if you donít mind.
I told you one lie.
I am a married person.
Blonde: Thank God, I was frightened!
I thought you would tell, this car is not yours!!
No offense to our Italian friends
What is the difference between an English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?
An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year.
A Sicilian actuary can not only tell you how many people are going to die, on top of that
the Sicilian actuary can give you the names to the people who are going to die.
An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year.
A Sicilian actuary can not only tell you how many people are going to die, on top of that
the Sicilian actuary can give you the names to the people who are going to die.
Old Man On A Bench
An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying.
A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.
"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman.
Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing.
In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again.
At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves. "
The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world! "
So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live! "
A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.
"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman.
Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing.
In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again.
At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves. "
The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world! "
So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live! "
I called my boyfriend a BASTARD
GIRL: I have sinned? I called my boyfriend a BASTARD?
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me?
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this ( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ......Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD?
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top?
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this? ( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD?
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this? ( The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he told me he has
AIDS after having sex with me.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me?
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this ( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ......Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD?
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top?
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this? ( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD?
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this? ( The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he told me he has
AIDS after having sex with me.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!
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