Psychiatric Hotline Guide

Psychiatric Hotline If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. 

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Face that does ring a bell. Literally!

The Hunchback of Notre Dame croaks so they need to find a new bell-ringer.

A guy with no arms comes along and says he can do it. 


"But you've got no arms... you can't do this job!" says the church leader. 


The new applicant shouts back - "Sure I can... I'll do it with my mouth!" 


So the church hires him and he starts his bell-ringing duties the next day. 


He begins ringing the bell using only his mouth, but the bell is so heavy, it tosses him out the window to the ground and splatters him dead. 


He's lying dead on the ground and a big crowd gathers around him. "Who is that guy?" one person says. 
"I don't know says another, but his face sure rings a bell... "

Aussie was taught not to piss on his hand

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U. S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.

The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands.

The U. S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said.

"In the U. S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak".

The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, "In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands...!"

I was afraid that you're going to give her back

I bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of my hair and I decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, I suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind me.

 "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes,"" I thought to myself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the reality of the situation hit me. I was terrified!

"What the heck am I doing?" I thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to me, and I took my license without a word, and let him examined it and the car.

Finally he came to the window looking steadily at me and said, "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"

I blinked only once while my brain scrambled for a reply.

 "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," I said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Off you go," said the officer."

True story, the officer let me go ;)

Need to catch up with my sleep

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with non stopping chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?

If you are a gentlemen/lady

There was once I were on my way home after a seriously long and tired day from school and training.

I boarded the bus and sat down.

The next stop, this really huge/fat lady boarded the bus and occupied the last remaining 4 seats.

Then, at the next next stop, this old lady boarded the bus.

The fat lady stared at me.

I know she wanted me to give up the seat.

I ignored and sleep. Then she tap on me and told me off with a really harsh tone saying, "If you were a gentleman, young man, you'd stand up and let someone else sit down."

I was pissed and I talked back,
 "And if you were a lady, you'd stand up and let four people to sit down."

All other passengers laughed and she gave up her seat and alighted at the next stop. When she's alighted, she cause at least 8 others passengers to alight because there was no room for her to move.