A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Free counselling & mental service!!! Please call 9-8-7-9-9-3-3-7
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Swine Swine Swine FLU -.-
BEWARE BEWARE BEWARE!!!
_________________________
Swine flu is on the loose!!! Nowhere is a definite safe place now.
We're going to get the swine flu and when we get contracted by
that disease, it's a terrible experience!
Symptoms of Swine Flu:
1) Sneeze like a pig!
2) When you laugh, you'll snort like a pig!
3) Spontaneous change in the size of your limbs!
4) A drastic change in your diet - you tend to eat much more
than usual, even those you wouldn't even consider having for
lunch, you'll probably devour anything your eyes can sight.
5) Nostrils will expand responsively upon getting the flu.
6) Curly tail starts to grow from the back of you tail bone.
7) You will start to smell badly once you sweat.
8) Your ears will gradually become pointed.
9) You will have fever as high as 42 degrees celsius
10) You'll get muscle spasm very often and will
start behaving like a retard every 30 minutes which
last up to 1 hour every relapse.
This is a very dangerous disease. Very unfortunate for our muslims friends
who will have to step up on their security and awareness of SWINE FLU!
Everyone is panicking over this situation, hopefully we can put a stop to
this swine flu ASAP to prevent anymore breaching of religious teachings
or whatever, WE MUST HELP OUR MUSLIMS FRIENDS AND MORE IMPORTANTLY
OURSELVES!!!
So please, if you're suspecting anyone who has the disease, please
report to the authorities immediately, including yourself, so that
we can beat the crap out of the INFECTED, rip their limbs apart,
soak them in extreme heated up oil, put them under the hot sun,
and electrocute them before we incinerate them.
Please dial 98799337 to report the issue!
We thank you for your cooperation in advance:)
_________________________
Swine flu is on the loose!!! Nowhere is a definite safe place now.
We're going to get the swine flu and when we get contracted by
that disease, it's a terrible experience!
Symptoms of Swine Flu:
1) Sneeze like a pig!
2) When you laugh, you'll snort like a pig!
3) Spontaneous change in the size of your limbs!
4) A drastic change in your diet - you tend to eat much more
than usual, even those you wouldn't even consider having for
lunch, you'll probably devour anything your eyes can sight.
5) Nostrils will expand responsively upon getting the flu.
6) Curly tail starts to grow from the back of you tail bone.
7) You will start to smell badly once you sweat.
8) Your ears will gradually become pointed.
9) You will have fever as high as 42 degrees celsius
10) You'll get muscle spasm very often and will
start behaving like a retard every 30 minutes which
last up to 1 hour every relapse.
This is a very dangerous disease. Very unfortunate for our muslims friends
who will have to step up on their security and awareness of SWINE FLU!
Everyone is panicking over this situation, hopefully we can put a stop to
this swine flu ASAP to prevent anymore breaching of religious teachings
or whatever, WE MUST HELP OUR MUSLIMS FRIENDS AND MORE IMPORTANTLY
OURSELVES!!!
So please, if you're suspecting anyone who has the disease, please
report to the authorities immediately, including yourself, so that
we can beat the crap out of the INFECTED, rip their limbs apart,
soak them in extreme heated up oil, put them under the hot sun,
and electrocute them before we incinerate them.
Please dial 98799337 to report the issue!
We thank you for your cooperation in advance:)
Monday, April 27, 2009
POLL ANSWER!!! Burenette & Genie joke!!
Hello Hello everyone!!
If you guys have been following closely and more observant,
you should have noticed the poll on the right hand side of the bar.
There's actually a question on poll and you choose the answer.
Previous question was,
What cannot be seen cannot be smelt, cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
It lies behind stars and under hills, empty holes it fill, ends life, kills laughter.
ANSWER: DARK!!!
New poll will be coming in less than a week's time!!!
*******************************
A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it, and you guessed it, a genie appears.
The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."
The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."
The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."
Then the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."
The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."
The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."
If you guys have been following closely and more observant,
you should have noticed the poll on the right hand side of the bar.
There's actually a question on poll and you choose the answer.
Previous question was,
What cannot be seen cannot be smelt, cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
It lies behind stars and under hills, empty holes it fill, ends life, kills laughter.
ANSWER: DARK!!!
New poll will be coming in less than a week's time!!!
*******************************
A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it, and you guessed it, a genie appears.
The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."
The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."
The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."
Then the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."
The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."
The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."
Sunday, April 26, 2009
When you think you're bribing enough, think again.
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
Thursday, April 23, 2009
You have just got to prove it to your wife that you're honest!
By now, everyone has heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51." Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane . . . only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane . . . only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
We've got to learn to be more observant! & Do you like my thinking?
A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being
the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."
*********************************************************************************
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a coin, but I like your thinking!"
After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being
the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."
*********************************************************************************
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a coin, but I like your thinking!"
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