The story of someone getting a haircut.
Women's version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's version:
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Too damn slow/dumb/late?
"We have a terrible time making ends meet on Bob's income. " his wife told her best friend.
"How do you two manage? And you even have kids! "
"We get along okay," her friend said. "You see, we work on our budget every evening. That saves us lots of money. "
"Really? How can that be? "
"Well, by the time we get it all balanced, it's too damn late to go anywhere and do anything! "
"How do you two manage? And you even have kids! "
"We get along okay," her friend said. "You see, we work on our budget every evening. That saves us lots of money. "
"Really? How can that be? "
"Well, by the time we get it all balanced, it's too damn late to go anywhere and do anything! "
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
12 Guaranteed Ways to Be Miserable at Work
Don’t appreciate your achievements. Instead, regard them as things that anyone could do or which somehow occurred through no serious effort of your own.
Keep raising the bar. Turn a search for excellence into an exhausting, never-ending quest.
Look at life through a mirror. After all, the rest of the world should behave and think as you do.
Expect others to know when you are upset. Regard their failure as a sign that they are insensitive and uncaring.
Reopen old wounds. Blame your parents, siblings, coworkers, bosses, and teachers. Let no transgression have a statute of limitations.
Worry. Fret about things that are unlikely to happen. Worry some more when they don’t happen.
Embrace martyrdom. Be much harder on yourself than you would be on others.
Don’t enjoy the small things. Keep your eye on the weightier matters. Ignore small pleasures such as watching a sunrise or having a good cup of coffee.
Fall in with bad companions. Associate with people who have similar negative habits so you can reinforce one another’s feelings.
Swing for the fences. Forget the base hits and incremental goals.
Don’t set deadlines. Hey, you’ll get around to it one of these days.
And above all, expect an even playing field. The world is noted for being fair.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
No offense Canadians, I still love you bitches there
One day an Englishman, an
American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together.
They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian.
Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling...
"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!! "
American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together.
They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian.
Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling...
"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!! "
There's no toilet paper in here either
A drunk stumbles into a confessional. The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall. The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy, there's no paper in this one, either! "
Old lawyer
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing.
St. Peter greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special? "
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old! ""
To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing.
St. Peter greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special? "
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old! ""
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